By Ken Diller
I just came back from a conference where I led a couple of workshops on having difficult conversations. In each breakout, a participant shared about a similar roadblock they were having with their significant other when they argued. They identified how communication got wonky and emotions often spiraled out of control, leaving the problem unresolved.
When we're in conflict with a loved one, we're unconsciously repeating a very familiar dance, oftentimes born from years of repetition. We unknowingly return to the familiar place of attack/defense pattern, with very predictable results.
The good news is that it only takes one partner to slow down to change the dance steps. Doing so allows us to use the communication Super-Power of integrating Open-Ended questions, and can lead to breaking the toxic dance in relationships.
Instead of asking "Why" or "How come" questions (which imply blame/bias and start the dance), using open ended questions "What" and "How" allow us to stay in inquiry.
Some examples might be, "How do you think it impacted me when you said ____?; or, "How/what can I do differently in the future?".
When we build our inquiry muscle, we can show up with curiosity, we can more easily manage our own emotions, instead of attacking the partner - address the problem as a team, and get to the heart of the upset and underlying feelings so much more quickly and effectively.
The ability to ask open-ended questions help to generate blame-free dialog, and keep the conversation from devolving into finger pointing. It also is one of the surest ways to align hearts with your partner, and keep the conversation high-vibrating.
If there’s one thing from my coaching training and practice that I can bring into our relationship ~ approaching a situation with curiosity would be it.
It's a great feeling watching how that familiar dance can shift into a much more mindful and enjoyable one!
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